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Friday, January 07, 2005

Blade Trinity - well that's killed the franchise!

Well, continuing my life of loafing, I decided to go into town to spend some vouchers and go to the cinema. Of course, after choosing a couple of new pairs of jeans and a scarf then queuing to buy them, I discovered much to my embarrassment that Debenhams is one of the few stores that my "Highstreet shopping vouchers" aren't valid in. Doh! Nevermind, I'm sure that I'll find a use for them somewhere. On a more positive note, I managed to buy Lost in Translation, Starsky and Hutch and Donnie Darko for £20 in HMV - not bad at all. Now I just have to figure out what the hell I'm going to spend £35 of NEXT vouchers on. Maybe they'll find their way into somebody else's birthday card....

Blade Trinity

Bloody hell, what a waste of 2 hours of my life! OK, fair enough, the first 2 films hardly had Wesley Snipes skipping down the red carpet clutching his Oscar acceptance speech - but still, the films are great fun after a couple of beers. There was so much wrong with this film, its difficult to know where to start:
The Acting:
Even by Snipes' modest standards, he really phoned in his performance on this one. He just delivered his lines and hid behind his sunglasses. I've seen more conviction and passion from the bored college kids that have been performing in the attractions at EuroDisney 5 times a day all summer. Kris Kristofferson was just bored by the whole affair and obviously there just to pick up his cheque and fulfill his contractural obligations. Parker Posey (and the rest of her gang) didn't know if she was meant to be evil or camp and so cleverly combined the two to give us Widow Twanky plays Count Duckula... Bad Bad Bad. Jessica Biel did sultry quite well - but then that's hardly difficult, since she'd raise my pulse rate dressed in a dirty apron asking if I would like chilli sauce and salad on my donner kebab. The guy who played Drake delivered a performance worthy of Arnie - before he came to Hollywood! Perhaps the only person worth praise is Hannibal King who delivers his many quips with excellent comic timing. He alone of all the cast seems to be giving it his all. Natasha Lyonne is criminally wasted - I hope she at least got paid well, because she won't be reminiscing proudly about this film in the old people's home.

The Story:
Very simple and straightforward with absolutely no twists and turns to keep the audience guessing. Sure, its an action movie but that's no excuse to give us a plot that could be written on the back of a serviette - after you've scrunched it up and used it to wipe the chins of newly weaned triplets with a dribble problem.

Cinematic masturbation. 'scuse my French, but that's the only way to describe it. Overly long, lingering shots of Blade looking mean and frankly boring, uninspired and repetitive fighting scenes.

Granted I was tired, having been awake for 20 hours at this point but I simply lost the will to keep my eyes open. Eventually I figured that nobody was near enough to be disturbed if the odd snore slipped out. The final fight went on for so long and should have finished so many times that I just wanted to leave.

All in all 1/5 - not quite as bad as Resident Evil but probably on a par with KillBill Volume 1.

Oh well - plenty more films are coming out over the next few weeks. Maybe I'll see if anyone wants to go this weekend.



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