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Friday, January 07, 2005

"Celebrity" Big Brother

Well, the experiment in resetting my biological clock was a resounding... failure! I nodded off at about noon on the sofa and reawoke stiff and grumpy at 8pm. I am definitely nocturnal now! I'll try again today.

One advantage of a semi-nocturnal existence is that I get to watch late-night crap on TV. And I'm amply served by the start of another series of "Celebrity" Big Brother. Well, the first thing to note is the bizarre and weird selection of so-called celebrities that they have picked this year. It really beggars belief what some of these people were thinking.

I tuned in a little late and snorted half a can of Pepsi Max out of my nose when I recognised the well-known feminist author and academic Germain Greer. WTF?! Dr Greer is a regular on highbrow cultural and political shows such as Latenight Review - what on earth is she doing on tawdry trash like Celebrity Big Brother? I can only assume that the good doctor has decided to write a book on the subject and as such has blagged her way onto the show to get first hand data. It is also well known that she eschews underwear - that horrifying thought has left me cold and sweating and not in a good way.

No doubt the subject of a chapter all of his own in Greer's book is the horse racing pundit John McCririck. Gems from this phenomenally hirsute troll so far have included the eating of one's own snot as a medical cure-all; how attractive women have it easy and that men should only date ugly birds. This particular point was aimed squarely at the model Caprice. If it turns out that she is more than just a bimbo (she's obviously the token totty), I am going to be hard pressed to predict if she or Germaine will be the first to castrate him. Well done Big Brother - you've certainly guaranteed fireworks (and no doubt a lucrative column in a lads mag for McCririck).

Another surprising contestant is the actor Jeremy Edwards. Whilst he may no longer be in Holby City, I always thought his star was in ascendency - can we assume that he is no longer in demand? Obviously the token male totty (Davina may well have ejaculated when he hugged her) I was a little disapointed to see that he has obviously fallen on hard times - well good luck Jeremy, hopefully the career won't be too badly mangled bythe stigma of BB. On the bright side, the tabloids get an excuse to publish pictures of his ex-girlfriend Rachel Stevens - I expect she will be falling out of her dress in front of the papparazzi sometime before the News of the World goes to press this sunday.

Sometimes actress and full-time roadcrash Brigitte Nielsen is having another go in the UK, after being voted out first in her native Denmark. She has already promised (threatened?) that her towel will go missing in the sauna. The woman is a walking advert for why women with implausibly large breast implants shouldn't automatically get them replaced as they get older. Her pneumatic pumpkins were just about tolerable back in the days of Red Sonja when the rest of her was similarly voluptuous - now however she has chicken legs and too much botox and just looks like she is about to fall over. It will be interesting to see how much of her "personality" is an act and how much is bona fide psychosis.

The remainder fall well into the "Who the fuck are they" category of celebrity. First up is Bez of Happy Mondays "Fame". Bez is the next door neighbour of Shaun Ryder, and became the Monday's official Mascot when it was noticed that he dances like an absolute twat. This cunningly distracts attention from both the Happy Monday's godawful music and Shaun Ryder's singular lack of sex appeal as a frontman. Bez's sole creative input appears to be playing the maracas. Whether the mike in front of him was ever turned on will forever remain one of those unanswered musical questions, along with "did they plug Linda McCartney's synthesizer in when she played with Wings?" and "Will Victoria Beckham ever get the hint?". He is now a professional Mancunian and suffers from the same speach impediment as Ozzy Osbourne, Shaun Ryder and Shane McGowan.

Lisa I'Anson, it is said, left Radio 1 in 1999 after missing her show because she partied too hard the night before in Ibiza. I grew out of Radio 1 shortly after entering puberty (that may have been because I saw a photo of what the sultry-voiced Liz off the Bruno Brookes show actually looked like - it put me off my stride for weeks). Therefore I have no idea who she is and care even less. Her promo video showed her pretending to do kick boxing and talking about how she knows she is sexy. With no work of note for 5 years I am at least glad to see she that she has kind friends and family who are willing to lie to her and make her feel good about herself.

Finally we have BB's youngest member (19 today - bless), Kenzie from Blazing squad. No I don't know who he/they are either. Blazing squad have 10 members, yet remarkably their combined age is still considerably less than that of the Rolling Stones. Since I am not a 14 year old girl (at least not outside of chatrooms) I don't know any more trivia about the band, nor did I recognise any of the songs BB played over his video. First impressions are that he is a pleasant enough young man, but (and this may just be his London accent) as dumb as a bag of spanners. I suspect he may try to win over fellow housemates my lending them his razor and shaving foam, since he probably doesn't need them. However, in the interests of health and safety he should probably keep them away from Caprice who has already cut herself with a razor. I would also give them to McCririck rather than lend them to him - I really wouldn't want them back - christ knows what you might catch.

Unless I suddenly get a life between now and next week, expect more commentary on how the housemates fare.



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