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Thursday, January 20, 2005

Smelly bus, smelly bus, where are you smelly bus?

This evening the weather was crap and I had my laptop with me, so I decided to catch the bus home after work rather than walk. Thus I clambered aboard the "pig shit bus". One of the buses doing the route past my flat is known to regulars as "The pig shit bus", on account of the fact that it smells of silage. The first time I caught this wiffy mode of transport was 3 years ago. I assumed that some unfortunate farmer had been forced to take his Landrover to the garage in the city and had decided to see the sights whilst he waited for it to be serviced. Nobody looked particularly rural, but I figured that even yokels had access to the mobile phones that everyone seemed to be yakking on that morning.

A few days later I clambered aboard the same bus, only to find the odour even stronger. Now I may be a townie, but as a child I regularly visited relatives in Devon. Anyone who has traveled the M5 south knows that the overriding sensory experience when passing the blue sign proclaiming "Welcome to Devonshire" is a sudden smell of pig shit, or "Porcine faeces" as we biologists term it. This isn't a reflection on the county or the people who inhabit it, merely an observation that the local farmers prefer natural fertiliser. For the past 3 years, whenever I catch the bus I estimate that there is a 1 in 10 chance of being unfortunate enough to flag down this particular bus. The smell, if anything, seems to be getting stronger. The bus itself is deteriorating. The seats are now a patchwork of different sizes and upholstery options. The driver's cab and luggage rack are now made out of wood. Yet still, no one has decided to call it a day and have the bus refurbished or taken off the road. Hope is in sight though. Tonight there was no one yammering inanely on a mobile phone, since the horrible metal on metal grinding noise coming from the engine made conversation impossible. Perhaps soon I will be able to take a deep breath on the bus and smell only body odour and stale marijuana - the way it should be.

"Celebrity" Big Brother.
I have been rather remiss lately in my commentary on the Z-listers. A brief recap then. Jackie Stallone, predictably, was first out after her and John were up for eviction. She is definately mad and the house breathed a collective sigh of relief. Second eviction was John. The other housemates had somewhat warmed to him and gotten used to his ways. The Great British public being what it was had voted out the only truly entertaining member of the house and have now turned off, causing a plummet in the ratings. John, for his part, was glad to be out and still hasn't gained a sense of humour or a sense of perspective. He sat stony faced through both the "Diet Coke break" ad parody and the, admittedly unflattering, montage of his best bits. When questioned on the subject he insisted yet again that BB had breached his contract and he lost his temper again. Now he is definately playing up his bigotry and misogyny and is gleefully enjoying his star turn on Big Brother's Little Brother as resident twat. The much maligned Booby has made an appearance and seems as vacuous as we were led to believe.

There has been some criticism that the BB camera men seem to be obsessed with Caprice, spending long minutes panning the camera slowly along the length of her body as she lies in the sauna in a skimpy bikini. Well who the hell else are they going to film? Brigitte seems to be taking her top off at any chance, but to be honest Caprice in a full length burkha is always going to be a nicer sight than Brigitte flashing her thru'penny bits. Lisa is out and Bez, after having a temper tantrum over being nominated, clambered up the wall to have a look around. Ho hum.

Assuming neither are kicked out, it will be interesting to see if Caprice decides to "slip" when changing in the sauna or if Brigitte decides to really push the boat and show us her "kebab" as Jade Goody would say. Time will tell.



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