SaneScientist

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No 2. BBC Radio One.

BBC Radio 1

Well, where to begin? The presenters - twats every last one of them? The play list - chosen by twats? Or the fact that I am forced to listen to it every day - making me want to twat someone?

For those fortunate enough not to have experienced Radio 1, it is the UK's "Number one radio station". Being part of the BBC its sole saving grace is that it doesn't have annoying commercials every few minutes - perhaps the main reason why its so popular. Scientific tests have shown that 98% of people, upon hearing an advert for a local double glazing firm for the hundredth time, will finally crossover into insanity and start shouting at inanimate objects, threatening random passers-by with extreme violence or actually eating at McDonalds out of choice.

The most irksome thing about Radio 1 is the playlist. Some suit somewhere decides that 20 or so songs are worthy of the exclusive attention of Radio 1 and decrees that they should be played ad nauseum 24/7. This weeks' list include songs such as Gwen Stefani's latests single. The song itself is relatively inoffensive, but upon hearing it for the 3rd time in one afternoon, I can't help but develop a twitch below by right eye and often find myself subconsciously doodling "Die Stefani Die" on my lab book. There are songs which I detest that I have actually listened to more times than my favourite compilation album.

Then there are the presenters. Imagine the most annoying twenty-something individuals you can think of. You know the sort. The type who drive past your house at 1 am with the car windows down and a CD consisting of heavy thuds played repeatedly on full volume. They probably think "Bling Bling" is a good thing and that clubbing in Ibiza is going abroad. The station has spawned some of the biggest twats ever inflicted on the British public. Chris Evans, Zoe Ball and Sarah Cox all became famous on Radio 1. More recently, Chris Moyles - worthy of a Tuesday Twat Award all of his own - is the current darling of Radio 1, having replaced most of the listeners turned off by Sarah Cox's Bolton braying. The fact that his Radio 1 breakfast show's listening figures are still a fraction of that enjoyed by Terry Wogan on Radio 2 speaks volumes.

Some years ago, Steve Wright invented the "posse". Basically, he got a bunch of mentally-challenged, unemployed mates to sit in the studio and laugh loudly and annoyingly at his every utterance. Nothing was too banal, nothing too unfunny to give these fuckwits a shrieking laughter fit. Sadly, the posse is here to stay, with countless presenters since getting the British license payer to keep their otherwise unemployable friends in Burberry.

Listening to Radio 1 in the lab is a relatively new phenomenon. Our boss was never too keen on music in the lab, believing it distracting. He never outlawed it outright, but as a courtesy it was left turned off or kept to a quiet whisper on someone's bench during working hours. In the evenings, people usually listened to mutually agreed upon CDs. Recently however things have changed. The Boss' office is now down the corridor and we are left to work how we see fit. The radio is turned on first thing and stays on until the last person leaves - assuming they even remember to turn it off. Amazingly, despite my best efforts, the tuning dial seems to spring back to Radio 1 whenever I try and tune it to something more soothing - like static. Permanently damaging it would be bad manners since it isn't mine - and besides I might want to listen to Dido at 4 am when pulling an all-nighter.

The obvious solution would of course be headphones, but Health and Safety frown upon us wearing them whilst in the lab area. The only time we can get away with it is if we are sitting static in front of noisy equipment and wouldn't be able to hear someone shouting "Fire in the Hold" anyway.

So, for all of these reasons and too many more to list, I nominate Radio 1 for the second Tuesday Twat Award.

Labels: The Tuesday Twat(s)