SaneScientist

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

The Tuesday Twat(S)

No. 5. The Sales Rep.

As a bench biologist, I get through a lot of stuff. From big shiny pieces of equipment, to my day-to-day consumables, such as disposble plastic tubes and pipette tips and enzymes. Molecular biology has changed over the years. For example, take DNA purification. An experiment may involve several, different manipulations being performed on the same piece of DNA. After each manipulation it is typically necessary to repurify the newly modified DNA to get rid of the enzymes and chemicals used in the previous step to stop them interfering with the next step. Years ago, DNA purification was a lengthy process involving the use of nasty chemicals such as phenol or chloroform. Each procedure typically reduced the amount of DNA product left in the reaction, as some was inevitably removed with the solvents. Today, a DNA purification simply involves inserting a little column into a tube, pouring your DNA solution into the top and spinning for 60 seconds in a centrifuge to draw the liquid through the column, where the DNA binds. A couple of solutions are washed through the column to remove all the gubbins from the previous reaction and hey presto! As if by magic pure DNA is eluted out the bottom into a tube. Total time is typically 20-30 minutes and dozens of clean-ups can be performed simultaneously for £1 or £2 per reaction.

Most of the consumables are available in the university Central Stores and can be delivered to my bench within a few hours after ordering online. Most of the lab's consumables not stocked in stores are ordered in bulk by our technicians who keep an eye on the communal stock levels.

Unfortunately, every so often I need to order a slightly unusual item directly from the suppliers. This is where the "rep" comes in. Sales reps are the bane of every biologist's existance. Sure, they may enter you in a free prize draw for a bottle of champagne occasionally, and I never have to buy a pen or a mug - but that's just public relations.

Many biological suppliers refuse to list the price for what you want in their catalogues - either the 2 kg paper catalogue that fills your pigeon hole whether you want it or not, or the somehow slick but entirely unusable online catalogue. Since a price has to be given to our finance department before they will authorise the order, its therefore necessary to phone for a price:

Ring Ring
"Welcome to Large Supplier Inc. If you want to query an order, please press 1. If you want to cancel an order, please press 2. If you want to order the 2005/2006 catalogue, please press 3. If you want to ask about this month's special offers, please press 4. For all other enquiries, please press 5."
Naff music plays for 30 seconds.
Ring Ring
I grab my pen expectantly.
"I'm sorry, your call is important to us. Please wait whilst a customer service advisor becomes available"
Naff music starts all over again.
This repeated for 10 minutes or so.
Finally,
"Hello, this is Emily speaking, please may I have your customer service number".
"I don't have one. I'm just ringing to check on the prices for a little piece of revolutionary labour saving plastic"
"Do you have the catalogue number?"
"Yes, its 12345."
Clicking of keyboard
"Is that a little piece of revolutionary labour saving plastic?"
"Yes, I just need a price"
"I'm sorry, I will have to foward your call to the little piece of revolutionary labour saving plastic department, please hold."
Naff music plays for 30 seconds.
Ring Ring
"I'm sorry, your call is important to us. Please wait whilst a customer service advisor becomes available"
Naff music starts all over again.
This repeated for 10 minutes or so.
Finally,
"This is the little piece of revolutionary labour saving plastic department, John speaking. May I have your customer service number please."
"I don't have one. I'm just ringing to check on the prices for a little piece of revolutionary labour saving plastic"
"Do you have the catalogue number?"
"Yes, its 12345."
Clicking of keyboard
"Is that a little piece of revolutionary labour saving plastic?"
"Yes, I just need a price"
"May I take some details please? Where are you caling from, sir?".
Sigh
"I just need a price"
"I'm sorry sir, I need to now where you are calling from,"
"Large English University".
More clickingi
"Could you tell me your name please, Sir?".
"Dr SaneScientist".
"Thank you Dr SaneScientist - how may I help you?"
"I... want... a... price".
"Your local representative is Claire, her mobile phone number is 07xxxxxxxx".
"I just want a price, so I can send an order this afternoon."
"I'm sorry doctor, in order to give you the best possible level of customer service, all of our prices are negotiated individually with your local sales manager. Please phone her mobile phone number. Is there anything else I can help you with?".
*Wearily*
"No".
So I phone Claire,
Ring Ring
"Welcome to the Orange Voicemail messging service for *Claire*"
I leave a message complete with my contact details.
2 days later
"Sanescientist - somebody called Claire to talk to you on the phone"
"Who?" I shout, putting down my pipette and removing my gloves, labcoat and eye protectors, before leaving the lab.
"Hello, Sanescientist - its Claire from Large Supplier Inc. You left a message for me?"
"Err, yes, I wanted to know the price for a little piece of revolutionary labour saving plastic".
"I'm afraid that I don't have the price lists with me. However I am at your University on wednesday, which lab do you work in?"
Wednesday arrives, as does Claire in power suit clutching a diary the size of a small country and a £3,000 lap top. The smell of too much perfume follows her like diesel fumes from an old lorry.
"I would like the price of a little piece of revolutionary labour saving plastic, please".
"What do you want to do with the little piece of revolutionary labour saving plastic"
"My... experiment".
"How many do you think you will need?"
"One"
"Well if you buy 50 or more you will get a 10% discount."
"I just need one".
"Does anybody else in your lab use a little piece of revolutionary labour saving plastic?"
"No, I just need one"
"Do you think that your stores manager would be prepared to stock them in stores?"
"I don't know. I am not the stores manager."
"Ok, they cost £4 each".

Labels: The Tuesday Twat(s)