SaneScientist

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

The Tuesday Twat

No. 8. Jordan

From the BBC

No, not the country - the "celebrity". What's that I hear? Barking? My God, what minger! For those who are unfamiliar with this odious self-publicist (aka Katie Price), she is a so-called "glamour model". This term conjures up so many images - not least that of someone glamorous - but what it actually means is a woman with implausibly large breasts, who is willing to show them to anyone who'll pay. Now it may just be my own preferences. When it comes to breasts I tend to be of the "more than a handfull is a waste" school of thought (not neccesarily my hands - think National Basketball Association players), and this is one wastefull girl. Its interesting I find, that those with the biggest boobs often use them to draw attention from their faces - and whilst Jordan hasn't been smacked in the face with the ugly stick quite as many times as Jodie Marsh (who is so ugly that the midwife who delivered her is suing her employer for post-traumatic stress disorder) - she still has a face like a slapped arse. She even admits it herself. When asked to rate her looks on "The Friday Night Project" she scored herself low and said "why do you think I've had so much work done on these?", pointing to her tits. Quite.

Indeed she spends a lot of time pointing at her tits. Once upon a time I was a 14 year old school boy. Even during the height of my "buy an extra pack of toilet roll when you go shoppping this week, mum" years, I wasn't as obsessed with mammaries as Jordan!

I suppose its a little unfair to castigate her too much for being ugly, after all recent scientific studies revealed that a wopping 3.2% of women don't spontaneously ejaculate when I walk past. Interestingly lesbians, the visually impaired and mentally subnormal are thought to make up about 3.2% of the female population. What really gets my goat though is that she is the epitome of celebrity for celebrity's sake. Once upon a time celebrities had a contract with society. They would provide a service and we the public would buy that service and afford them recognition and even a little adulation. Tom Cruise - he makes phenomenally successful movies and the public turn out in droves to see him. Eric Clapton plays guitar like a god - we buy his music if our internet connection is playing up and will fight tooth and nail for his cast off plectrum. Bernard Bresslaw starred in Carry On films (nuff said).

These are true celebrities.

Jordan, on the other hand simply publicises herself. She falls out of night clubs, deliberately wears no knickers to press-filled film premieres, and is marrying that insipid twat Peter Andre. When she wobbled down the steps to present the Friday night project, my first thought was "She's up the duff". Sure enough, the next day, she "apologised" to the media and the public for not telling us sooner. What the fuck? Did she think we would be offended because she didn't tell us she was sprogged up. Why do we give a flying fuck? By all means apologise to your family for introducing some of Peter Andre's genetic material into the family tree (I'd be amazed if she isn't cut off) - but don't apologise to the "British Public" you arrogant bint.

So there we have it - Katie "Jordan" Price (and all your wannabees) - you are this week's Tuesday Twat.

PS Before you ask - no I'm not "all hormonal", I just have a "Progress" meeting with SWMNBN tomorrow and all 5 of the experiements that I was intending to wow her with have failed. Completely. Tomorrow is going to be utter shite.

Labels: The Tuesday Twat(s)