SaneScientist

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 10. Celebrity Trial Groupies

OK, it doesn't take a genius to figure out the inspiration for this post. However, as I believe that a man/woman/strange hybrid creature with a detachable nose is innocent until found guilty, I shall refrain from any judgements on this specific case and make this a general post on the odious phenomena of Celebrity Trial Groupies.

We've all seen them. Large clumps of banner-waving, merchandise-wearing, dribbling freaks who spend months outside the court house where their favourite celebrity is being tried for some crime against humanity.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? The vast majority of them have never met their "Hero". Sure, they own all of their records, can sing all of their songs, have videotaped every TV appearance of said celebrity, have covered their walls with posters and magazine cuttings and ejaculated over their limited edition matching pillowcase and duvet set - on more than one occassion - but how can they claim "I know he's innocent - he wouldn't do that".

The Jackson trial has raised the bar with some seriously weird fuckers coming out of the woodwork. It used to be that we Brits could sit back with a smug grin and watch our American cousins, knowing that US definately has more than its fair share of nutjobs. Unfortunately, Mr Jackson is a global phenomena, thus he has global support. And I am ashamed to say that even us Brits are joining in.

Step Forward Emily Smith from SevenOakes, Kent.

She was featured on the BBC website a few weeks ago as she stood outside the courtroom during Jury selection. She says that she has given up her part-time jobs and travelled to the US especially. She stood in the cold so long that she thought she was hallucinating. I humbly submit that the whole thing has been one long deranged psychotic episode, but that's just my opinion. She says she is now trying to get a work permit so she can stay in the US longer. The US wouldn't let Cat Steven's in for fuck's sake - they're hardly going to let a nutjob like this in are they? She concluded her interview with "I'm heartbroken to be going home because I feel I should be here next week, but I have to earn some more money to come back for the trial. " Her invisible friend declined to be interviewed.

Her parents must be so proud.

Of course, there is no point arguing. As my old man is fond of saying "You can't rationalise with the irrational." Quite.

Some years back I had a fascinating (and slightly creepy) run in with a Celebrity Trial Groupie on an (entirely unrelated) internet forum. The celebrity in question was an actor accused of a heinous crime. He has since been aquitted so I'll not give any more details. Somehow discussion turned to the actor's arrest and upcoming trial. "He's innocent!" The groupie would insist with increasing shrillness, eventually starting to post top-level threads and changing her username to avoid account bans, all whilst trying to get people to contribute to a "Fighting Fund". At the time, the evidence seemed pretty damning, so we were curious as to why she thought differently.
"I've met him and I know him personally and he could never do it".
Well that's fair enough, I thought - I would be similarly defensive if one of my friends or family were accused of a heinous crime.
"How do you know him." I asked, always eager to claim celebrity-association, by association.
"I met him at a cult TV convention a few years ago. He gave me his autograph and a hug and was really nice".

Wow.

So to all of you Celebrity Trial Groupies and especially Emily Smith for bringing shame on this country - I designate you all Tuesday TWATS.

Labels: The Tuesday Twat(s)