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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The Tuesday Twat(s)

Number 12. Daytime chat shows.

A few years ago, Jerry Springer hit UK TVs. As a science student, I didn't get to watch much TV during the day (Y'know lectures, labs, library - boring stuff like that). However, I would occassionally catch it. My flatmates and I would sit, mouths agape at the lowlife scum who would parade themselves across the screen. Every so often, we would glance at each other knowingly - American civilisation (such that it is) was fucked. In fifty years we reckoned, the US would be asking, no begging to be readmitted to the British Empire before she collapsed into a filthy incestous morass of inbreeding and animal-bothering. We felt a little smug.

Then Vanessa came along. In horror we realised that it wasn't just the US that was afflicted by these people - we even had them blighty too! An endless parade of chavs and no-hopers with an unmatched set of chromosomes, from the sort of council estates that probaby don't appear on census forms for fear of future historians taking the piss. Shit! And it wasn't just Vanessa, Tricia Goddard soon took up the mantle after Vanessa got fired for booking fakes on to her show.

Tricia is repeated late at night, and being a chronic insomniac I occassionally watch it when I get bored of GCSE bitesize on BBC2. Things haven't improved. So who are the twats here? The shameless pondlife who appear on these shows? The producers who book them and think up titles such as "My husband was my sister and now he's sleeping with his stepson"? The presenters who preside over these zoos and patronisingly encourage the participants to sink to ever greater depths? Or we the viewing public and the studio audience for watching this shit?

The question that always bothers me is - where do they get these twats? What posseses a person to pick up the phone and ring. Why do they have such little self-respect? All families have their shamefull and embarassing secrets, from my mate's senile grandmother who likes to run naked down the street, to my cousin who once voted Conservative. Most people don't share these secrets with their closest friends let alone 2 million TV viewers. Is the TV studio's hospitality that good? Why in the name of all that is holy, would you pick up the phone and dial the number on the screen?
"Hey honey, do you remember the time that you came home from work early to find me sodomising the dog - Tricia's doing a show on animal-loving. Shall we go on and tell everyone?"
What do friends, neighbours and relatives think of this? Are they mortally embarrased to be associated with these deviants, or does the instant celebrity that comes from 15 minutes fame outweigh that? How the fuck would you walk down the street after confessing to sleeping with your step-daughter? Rent a Woody Allen film for inspiration I suppose.

The most bizarre of these freaks are those that seem to be expecting absolution from the studio audience. They call their girlfriend on to the show - and rather stupidly she agrees. Despite it not being Valentine's day, she seems to think that appearing on a show entitled "I just got the missus' best mate pregnant!" may result in good news! After the gentleman in question has explained the situation to the slack-jawed audience and the shit-stirring host - how the best mate fell for his burberry baseball cap and fake gold necklace and screwed him in the back of his Ford Fiesta - the cross-eyed girlfriend is called from backstage. Understandably a little peeved and teary eyed, she calls her mate a whore and him a bastard. The audience are whooping like babboons shown a photo of a large red arse. At this point during Jerry Springer, a large black girl with humungous tits will usually stand up and scream "You Go girl! He don got no respec for yo!"- in Tricia, an elderly lady who thought she was here to watch Countdown being filmed, will stand up and tell her to find a nice young man with a good job. Chav and Chavess will be put out by this, expressing surprise that she doesn't wish them all the best and that the audience aren't having a go at her for being so bloody unreasonable.

The episode will usually be concluded with the dumpee saying that she should have listened to her mum, and the mums of his other 5 children and stayed clear of him.

I wonder if they declare the appearance money when they pick up their unemployment benefit the following week - yeah right!

Twats the lot 'em.




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