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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 14. Rent-a-Reviewer

Right, this really pisses me off and turns me into the world's worst cynic. How the fuck, does even the worst ever movie manage to find a reviewer willing to give it 5 stars and spew more superlatives than Michael Jackson's personal arse-licker?

Take a truly dire movie. I mean fucking awful. Its had critics walking out, customers demanding a refund plus compensation for emotional trauma and the organising commitee of the Razzies dumbfounded and searching for a new award to present. It makes $35.52 at the US box office before finally hitting our shores preceded by sort of press that would normally greet the news that Gary Glitter has a new job as a school photographer.

"Fantastic! A must see film" News of the World.
"Surely, this year's Best motion picture academy award" The Sun.
"The best film in decades" Empire.

These are the sort of gold-lettered banners adorning the top of the posters for such shite as Gigli and Blade Trinity.

What the fuck? Who are these Twats reviewing the movie. Did they see it? You never hear of these august journals suing the studios, so one assumes that they aren't complete fabrications. A few years ago Sony was sued after it emerged that two, supposedly independent, reviewers were in fact employees of Sony. Yet the names attached to these reviewers are kosher film critics.

Now I realise that taste is a personal thing, but when every other critic and cinema-goer in the world is moved to tears by the sheer awfulness of the film - you have to ask, "was a blowjob involved"?

These reviews seem to be spread pretty evenly among all of the big names in film reviewing. It's almost as if they take turns. Do the features editors of these magazines meet with studio execs in a smoky room once a month and hammer out a deal?

Exec. "OK, we have a real turkey on our hands. Jaws 17 took negative money at the US box office, and its so dull even the French won't watch it. Who'll take this one?"

E! Online "Not our turn -Andy Jones agreed to call Resident Evil 'A killer thriller!', he's still getting his house fire-bombed twice a month and he has to employ a body double".

Cinefantastique. "We'll take this one, but the reviewer demands that he gets to run the casting couch for a film of his choice. And he refuses to actually see the film. Write the synopsis on the back of this matchbox and he'll deliver two gushing soundbites by the end of the week".

Exec. "Excellent. Who's going to give us 5 stars for Kill Bill Vol 3, there's a free car in it?"

Scraping of chairs and angry mutterings "Hey, we stil have some frigging morals".

So, this week's award goes to all of those "reviewers" who are willing to accept free invites to the pick of the parties at Cannes and the Oscars, in exchange for a part of their soul and a chance to help movie studios fleece Joe Public.





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