SaneScientist

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 24. Jaques Chirac.

Apparently, Jaques Chirac, the French president, is reported to have cracked jokes about British food at a meeting with Russia and Germany. Leaving aside the hypocrisy of the Russians (national dish, under-cooked potato) and the Germans (national dish, over-cooked sausage) laughing about British cuisine - you really have to question the diplomatic credentials of Monsieur Chirac. Does this man have no idea how to win friends and influence people? He further commented that Britain's sole contribution to agriculture is mad cow disease. Chirac could perhaps take the moral high ground on this issue if France responded any better to the crisis - but of course they didn't, with French farmers refusing to test their cows or learn from Britain's hard won experience. That's why we now have the safest beef in the world, sir.

Imagine the diplomatic repercussions if Blair had been heard joking that Mr Chirac had invited him to a barbecue - on the menu, roast British lamb, still in their lorries.

Whilst this sort of boorish comment is to be expected from el mafiosa Sr Belusconni, who last week insulted Finland's national dish of smoked reindeer, Chirac usually tries to give the impression that he is above that sort of thing. Of course he isn't, the stuck up snob.

One thing that has always irked me is the axiom that French cuisine is the best in the world. Where exactly did that myth arise? - from France one assumes. I've always been singularly unimpressed with French cooking, the many times that I have visited France. It always looks very pretty, for sure. But I've generally found it rather bland and tasteless and very unsatisfying. The fact that the last time I went to France I had a monster case of the shits also calls in to question their hygiene somewhat.

It would be easy to make jokes about the French national dishes - so why not? They eat fucking snails. I mean, seriously. Their signature dish is a slug carrying it's own house, that moves around by smearing snot on the ground and sliding on it. And frog legs - yet another slimy creature that only the French would consider popping in their mouth. Not only that, their self-imposed role as cheese and wine afficianados is also a joke. Sure, I like a bit of Brie as much as the next man, but what soon becomes very evident when perusing the cheese counter in France is the sheer number of differently named yet almost identical cheeses. Camembert is just Brie with flavour (and a weak Camembert is indistinguishable from a strong Brie), whilst they have very few hard cheeses that can compete with Cheddar. And what do they have to compete with Stilton or the Austrian/German smoked cheeses? As far as wine is concerned, appelation controle sounds great in theory but really it can't compete with new world wines. Buy a bottle of Aussie and you are guaranteed a quality wine. Buy a bottle of French and you may get a masterpiece but more likely, if it rained the day before the appointed grape picking date, you get a watery unsatisfying concoction.

The fact is, Chirac is on dodgy ground criticising other nation's food. He simply reveals himself to be a boorish, snobby twat and doesn't do himself any favours at all.

Labels: The Tuesday Twat(s)