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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The Tuesday Twat(s)

Perhaps it would have been more appropriate to delay this message and have it as a Wednesday Wanker - but hey, I'm stuck in the lab all night, so what's a man to do?

No. 27. Users of phone sex and porno text services.

I am a passionate believer that what one or more consenting adults do with their genitals in private is their business and no one elses. Nevertheless I reserve the right to laugh and poke fun at them if I find it weird or amusing. Hypocritical? So sue me.

What sort of a sad twat actually uses these services? After about midnight on Channel 5 or shitty Freeview crap like Men and Motors, pretty much every advert is for phone sex. Typically, the advert will feature a blonde bimbo (almost invariably - equal opportunity doesn't appear to have reached phone sex yet. Brunettes appear to be rare, red-heads rarer still and women wearing Burqhas are scandalously under-represented), lying on the sofa in a short skirt. She is flirting on the phone. How do we know this? Because she is twirling the phone cable between her fingers and stroking her thighs casually, whilst repeatedly throwing her head back and laughing. We don't know what she is actually saying (if there are any lip-readers out there, please - I'd love to know!), because an asthmatic sounding woman is breahlessly informing us that one of these lovely girls is just waiting to take your call.


Who the fuck actually believes that those implausibly attractive models are actually employed by the company to talk to sad fucks (sorry) customers? People complain about call centres out-sourcing jobs to India. I strongly suspect that these companies out-source their jobs to bored 50-something women with moustaches and varicose veins, or fat hairy men called Kevin with a voice-modulator and halitosis.

I mean don't get me wrong - a bit of dirty talking down the phone can be fun. But it's a lot more fun when you know what the smooth thighs that she is sliding her panties down actually look like. Ahem.

Even more weird are the new porno services. For several quid a month they will text you pictures of naked women (and presumably naked men if that floats your boat) on a semi-regular basis. What the fuck? Are people mad? Quite aside from the fact that I am told that there is tons of free porn on the internet (I wouldn't know, obviously) - who in god's name wants to strangle the one-eyed-trouser-snake over their mobile phone? Further, not only do you have to perform one or other operation with your left hand, I've just measured the (average-sized) screen on my phone and it is 3.5 by 4.5 centimetres (about 1.4 by 1.8 inches for the metrically challenged). God help you if your tastes run toward Pamela Anderson or Jordan - you'd have to scroll or zoom out.

The adverts were amusing the first time I saw them, but pretty soon they become irritating. What's worse, they play that music only found in seventies porno-flicks. That sort of slow saxophone crap, that makes you turn the volume down for fear that the neighbours will think that you've been perusing the top shelves in Blockbuster Video again.

However, like spammers, these services would not exist unless people actually paid for them. So the Twat award goes to the sad bastards that actually pay for them. You know who you are - as does your mobile phone service provider.




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