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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 35. Max Power.

Some sad Twat from the Max Power website.

For those that don't know of this august publication, it is basically automotive porn for 14 year olds. Have you ever wondered just where those twats with blue lights under their cars, earth-shaking stereo systems and twin exhausts get their dumb ideas? Step forward Max Power. Basically, if you are 17 years old and have just passed your driving test MaxPower will show you how to blingup your underinsured £500 ford fiesta, so that you can pull 16 year old girls and annoy the fuck out of your neighbours. Taste is not a consideration.

Is your Renault Clio missing something? How about a stonking great fin on the back, badly painted flames on the side and holes in your silencer to make it's 1.0 litre engine sound like a washing machine ferrari. Max Power is the magazine for people who still use a clothes peg to hold a playing card in the spokes of their BMX. Chav-tastic!

I've never been able to take these losers seriously since I was in 6th form college. One of my fellow pupils had an 18 year old boyfriend. Part of the attraction was his Max Powered-inspired Ford Escort. He had taken a crap Escort, painted over the rust and added 3 times the car's original value in plastic stuff. Add in a stupidly loud stereo system and It really was the Twatmobile. One day he came into school to pick her up. As usual he was driving at 60 mph in a 20 zone. Too late, he noticed the rapidly approaching speed bump outside the school gates. He stomped on the brakes with predictable results. The screech of smoking tires gave way to the sound of ripping plastic as the front end of the car dipped and all of his modifications were torn off. Since he was travelling so fast he carried on for another 20 metres, driving over them sending pastic shards everywhere and puncturing his tyres. Along with about 50 other pupils and several teachers I laughed so hard I started to cry. Even better, he had neglected to inform the insurance company of his "upgrades", which they classed as unauthorised modifications, and so they refused to pay him (in retrospect, it's a good job he didn't hit anyone as they wouldn't have gotten much compensation).

Another prize prick of my aquaintance had a thing for Vauxhall Astras. Unfortunately for the rest of Britain's road users, he had access to a very well equipped mechanics setup in his Dad's garage. In addition to being the world's most stupid driver (he would pay chicken with Lorries in the opposite lane and drive at 100mph+ down country lanes) he also regarded himself as something of a mechanic. He would buy cheap 1.1 litre Astras and use the hoist in the garage to replace the engine with a 1.8 or other engine that he would get cheap from a wreckers yard. One day, he was showing off his latest "babe magnet" (I refused to get in a car with him after he did a handbrake turn in a pub car park and nearly put us all in a pond - I told him he was a fucking idiot who couldn't drive and caught the bus home - he never spoke to me again. Shame). As he raced down the road there was an almighty bang and horrific scraping noise. Sparks flew everywhere. The twat had forgotten to replace the huge fuck off bolt that actually holds the engine inside the car. It had simply fallen out, pulling the gearbox with it. Nobody was hurt fortunately, but the car was towed straight back to the wrecker's yard and he never showed his face again.

So to the publishers of Max Power who encourage this - I award you a Tuesday Twat award. Perhaps you could remove the flying lady from a Rolls Royce silver shadow and place it there instead. That would be your style.

Poll result:
Those in favour of awarding MaxPower a Tuesday Twat Award 9. Those against 2. Motion carried.

And come on, own up! Who are the two Chavs?




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