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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Tuesday Twats

No. 38. Celebrity junkies.

What is it with these stupid twats? Over the past weeks and months, we have been inundated with revelations about celebity drug use. Obviously Pete Doherty, singer with fucking awful (but aptly named) Babyshambles, has been stumbling out of nightclubs looking like he's just smeared a tub of Utterly Butterly into his hair for years. Thus it came as no surprise that his gormless stick-insect girlfriend Kate Moss has been photographed using cocaine. Boy George, another "former" smackhead has just been arrested in New York on charges of possessing cocaine, whilst "big" Frank Bruno has admitted that coke was what sent him over the edge last year and got him sent to the loony bin.

So what the fuck is it that causes them to suddenly throw all caution to the wind? In a time when dozens of stars are being set up by "friends" with camera phones and Max Clifford on speed dial, who in their right fucking mind would snort Columbian marching powder in a high profile celebrity nightclub? Is there a certain level of fame and fortune where snorting class A drugs in a public place becomes de rigeur? Is there a point at which a celebrity becomes magically immune to opiods and thus no harm will ever befall them?

How does it work?

Bought a Porsche? Check.

Bought a new house in Chelsea? Check.

Spent the night with Robbie Williams? Check.

Shoved several hundred pounds of white powder up your nose every day, hogged newspaper headlines for 3 weeks, then booked yourself into an exclusive drying out clinic staffed by indiscrete nurses willing to sell your medical details to the News of the World? Check.

Increased your record sales/broken box office records/been kicked out of a premiership football team? Check.

Been convicted of possession of a Class A drug? Of course not - you're a celebrity!

It's been a while since we've had a good celebrity fatal overdose. Pete Doherty would be the obvious choice, but hardly unexpected - obviously he is a hopeless smackhead and living on borrowed time. Perhaps Kate Moss could be found lying in her own vomit after giving 5 quid blowjobs to feed her crack habit - crackwhore Kate has the sort of alliterative ring to it that the tabloids love. But, I think that to really throw people and bring the dangers of drug use into stark relief, we need someone as pure as the driven snow (so to speak). Somebody entirely unexpected. Anyone willing to hold Cliff Richard down whilst I shove 10 grammes of Afghanistan's main export up his arse?




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