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Saturday, December 17, 2005

Random musings

First off a little update about our smelly friend from last week's Tuesday Twat post. I popped in to the supermarket tonight on the way back from work. As I walked through the door, I was confronted by a familiar stench. The security guard was cowering in the furthest possible corner from the till. I quickly joined him.
"He took 30 minutes and kept on asking me where the oxo cubes were. And no he hasn't had a bath since last time. But the beard has gone. Must be trying to impress the ladies."

I noticed he was right. I only wanted to buy some diet coke and a loaf of bread, but decided that it would be wise to loiter for a bit. The old boy was actually being served, so I figured I could get away with waiting for a few minutes. Fifteen minutes later he was still there! He kept on patting his pockets and mumbling. The poor lad on the till was frantic by this point, he kept on ringing for assistance, but none of the managers would come over. It was quite fascinating really. The lad serving is asian, with dark brown skin. But he had turned a pale dusky colour and looked as if he was about to start crying. I have to say, funny as it was, I really felt for him.

Finally, one of the managers came over - and opened the furthest till. Immediately, a rush of customers, who had obviously been loitering like me descended on the newly opened till. I decided enough was enough, and joined the queue. I have never seen behaviour like it. After being served, you would normally have to walk past the old man, but every single customer, even girls in impossibly short skirts just buying ciggies before going to the pub, grabbed their shopping after paying and clambered over the barrier. Normally, this would get them a rebuke from the security guard, but he was refusing to leave the biscuit aisle at the other end of the shop.

When I left he was still there mumbling and patting his pockets and the poor server was leaning against the cigarette counter, trying to catch the store manager's eye.

Whilst we are on the subject of smelliness - Chav's have their own aftershave! Burberry "live from London" - whatever the fuck that means - is being advertised on bus shelters everywhere.
"Burberry - the smell of the council estate!"

And continuing the theme still further - I have suddenly lost all respect for Nicole Kidman. Up until now, I regarded her as one of the most beautiful and talented actresses in the world. Not now. Have you seen the new Chanel No 5 ad (or Canal No 5 as I used to call it as a kid)? It is toe-curlingly bad. Really bad. Nicky (as I like to call her) is awful. She delivers her line in a voice that manages to be both breathless and wooden at the same time. Imagine a female Kevin Costner after a half-marathon. Is it sloppy editing, or is she one of those actresses that need a top-notch director and script to get the best out of her? She has seriously let herself down with this.

And finally, tomorrow is the sport centre's christmas do. When I asked what the plan was, I was met with blank stares.
"We're going to get pissed".
A night on the tiles with a gang of over-grown PE teachers - could be a laugh...



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