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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

Apologies for my tardiness - not my fault, honest, Blogger was down most of last night.

No. 47. Noel Edmonds.

So here it is, the first Tuesday Twat of 2006 and who better to kick things off than the uber Twat himself - Noel Edmonds.

Look in the dictionary, and under the word "Twat" you will simply see a photograph of this man.


Last year when I started this blog, Edmonds was my inspiration, if not my muse. Every time I thought about who to do each week, his name was first on the list. However, after a very public spat with BBC some years ago, Noel did the decent thing and fucked off, never to darken our telly screens again. It therefore seemed a touch churlish to nominate him, and would have felt like cheating. A bit like choosing Hitler, Pol Pot or Mr Motivator.

Or so I thought...

Imagine the scene. It's a couple of days after christmas. I have just emerged from my bed after 2 days struck down with a horrible chest infection. If you could bottle and sell phlegm, I'd actually have been pretty happy - unfortunately, there just aren't enough mayonaise factories to make it worth my while to do so.
Anyways, as I sat in the lounge, shivering, blowing my nose and mainlining mucron, who should pop up on TV? Yes you've guessed it. Noel Fucking Edmonds! I now felt pretty silly for asking what could possibly make me feel any worse.

Noel was ground-breaking in many ways. He pioneered the art of the talentless fuckwit inexplicably being given a huge amount of license-payer's money to piss up the wall. By hs own admission, Edmonds has no discernible talents. He can't sing, he can't dance, he can't play a musical instrument and he can't tell jokes. His interviewing skills suck and he has a beard. His only talent is an ability to remain enthusiastic when all around him is shite. Yet for 30 years, he was a mainstay of BBC TV schedules. Not only that he was responsible for the cretinous Mr Blobby. His last major show, was "Noel's House Party" - a toe-curlingly bad early evening variety show on saturday nights, based around a single joke - that the show was broadcast live from the fictional village of "Crinkley Bottom". Fucking hilarious, I'm sure you will agree.

I inherited my hatred of Edmonds from my Dad, who was nearly offered the part of the new Superman after he demonstrated an ability to move faster than a speeding bullet when diving for the remote control every time Noel popped up on TV. It is something that the old man and I heartily agree upon.

So there you have it - Edmonds was a TV pioneer and has done wonders for equal opportunities, proving that even a talent free blackhole can become a multi-millionaire. Just remember that next time you see Vernon Kaye gurning at you from the idiot box. I reckon you could probably even pin the blame for "reality TV Celebrities" on him.

Do I even need to ask if he deserves the award?




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