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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 50. TV Chefs

OK, so just how many fucking cookery programmes do we need on TV? Seriously, the damn things make Reality TV shows and Home "Improvement" shows seem like a rare and precious treat.

A quick look at my waistline will provide ample evidence that I have nothing against food in general, particularly as a consumer, and I realise that we all have to learn to cook somewhere - but christ on a crutch, just how many hours of programming a week do we need dedicated to the subject? And just when did these chefs become celebrities in their own right? And equally important, just why are they all such pricks? Be honest, who here would really like to spend an hour in the company of Jamie Oliver, Anthony Worral-Thompson, Delia Smith or Gary Rhodes? And don't get me started on Ainsley Fucking Harriot. Twenty minutes locked in a room with him and a whisk and I promise you only one of us would ever be able to sit down again and the whisk would be lost forever.

Now maybe it's the scientist in me, but why do we need all of the crap that surrounds these programmes? All I want to do is be given a recipe, a few insider tips (like sticking drained potatoes back in the hot pan when mashing them to make them more fluffy) and left to get on with it. However, so desperate are the programme makers to make something original and interesting that they go to extraordinary lengths to make what is basically a Home Ed lesson interesting. Newsflash! it ain't going to be! The current new kids on the block are apparently the "Hairy Bikers", with their own eponymous show. They are cooks who are - wait for it, you'll never guess this I swear! - Hairy Bikers!

The most recent example (and the one which caused me to put back the planned Twat post for this week until a later date) occured on Saturday morning. I was waiting for my parents to arrive (more about that in a later post on the joys of Ikea) and channel hopping. I stumbled across what appeared to be a documentary on ancient Egyption mummies. That might be interesting I thought (more interesting than Pokemon or whatever bollocks was showing on the other side anyways). After a few moments, I got up and turned my back to boil the kettle. I look back... Keith Fucking Floyd showing us how to make Egyptian Baclava. Bloody Hell Fire! (Piece of piss by the way, from what I could tell). Is no where safe from sodding cookery programmes?

The most interesting thing though, is that despite presumably high ratings - otherwise, why make so many variants - it seems unlikely that professionals in the catering industry watch them. I know quite a few chefs, ranging from a mate who does pub lunches down my local, to an uncle who knows his way around some of the most famous kitchens in London's West End. Not one of them have ever watched any of these TV shows. Indeed, my uncle once described Delia Smith as "shite".

And so I duly award TV Chefs the 50th Tuesday Twat Award. But they'll have to share it as there isn't enough cheap plastic in the world to make one for each of them.




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