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Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 51. QVC

Looking through the list of 40+ digital TV channels that I can pick up, I count 5 dedicated shopping channels. After midnight ITV2, 3 and 4 also get in on the act, as do several other channels. Perusing SKY over the christmas break, I found at least another dozen. Including the Playboy shopping channel. QVC is, of course, the daddy of them all, hence it being the nominee.

Please, don't be shy - has anyone who reads this blog ever actually bought anything off these channels? You get extra points if you have bought the inspirational christian rock album plugged by the Kenny G/George Lucas look-a-like on ITV3.

Asuming the answer is no - can I just ask "Who the fuck actually watches these channels?" (Playboy shopping channel aside of course). Take a look at the cheap tat that they sell on these channels. If, like me, you have ever wandered past the cheap crockery in the pound shop to the poorly lit back shelves and wondered who in their right mind would buy an electric screwdriver for a pound (or more to the point, who would be insane enough/brave enough to plug it into the mains supply to charge), then you must also wonder who is dumb enough to buy the same shite for 10 times the price (plus postage and packing) off the telly?

Oh I'm sure that buried amongst the strange kitchen implements that look as though they would snap on their second use (and probably remove chunks of flesh as the gleaming blade is suddenly exposed when the guard falls off), there may be some genuine bargains - but really, who has the time to watch out for them? And whose credit card do they borrow to buy them - I didn't think they gave credit cards to the long-term unemployed? Or perhaps they are more organised than that. Maybe QVC has a TV schedule and afficianados only tune in at certain times. Perhaps there are underground, invitation only chatrooms where addicts swap tips and rumours.
Psst - I hear that ITV2 is advertising a large squishy ball guaranteed to make you as fit as an Olympian with only 2 minutes mild exercise a week.
I have visions of a dedicated band of watchers with a wall of muted TVs all showing different channels - a bit like one imagines the Press Office at number 10 to be. But for shopping obviously, rather than world news. Or gay porn, should the Lib Dems ever get in.

But somebody must buy this stuff - after all, the channels wouldn't run unless they made a profit. Is it a coincidence that they all run after the pubs have closed? I think not. Personally, I don't think that I could ever be drunk enough to turn on BidTV and buy something - but maybe some people have woken up with a pounding head, dim memories of snogging a bouncer and a nagging feeling that they might be getting a titanium and bakelite potato peeler in the post sometime in the next 28 days.

I suspect that there is a certain secton of the population that have a weakness for cheap shite, as long as it is advertised by someone with a fake smile and a politician's charm. They probably have shelves covered in china dogs and limited edition plates of Charles and Camilla's wedding bought from the backpage of the Sunday Times magazine, paid for in 36 monthly installments. The government recently redrafted the gaming laws to stop people spiralling into debt from online gambling - should they have taken a look at TV shopping channels at the same time?

So to QVC, for starting the ball rolling, I present this week's Tuesday Twat Award (made out of high-quality baking foil, toilet rolls and smarties lids)*.

(*) Please allow 28 days for delivery. Postage and packing £3.50. No refunds are available. Sanescientist reserves the right to substitute the item for another one of a similar value without prior notice. You have no statutory rights.




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