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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 54. "Mountaineering" Chavs

Here is a scenario for you to ponder. It's the school half-term. It's mid-February and the the temperature is hovering around zero. There has been rain and snow in some low-lying areas. You have three little girls, aged 2, 3 and 5 years old and you are looking for something to do to entertain them.

Do you:
A) Take the kids 10 pin bowling, stopping off for a McD's on the way home before picking up a couple of Disney DVDs from Blockbuster.
B) Dress the kids in tracksuits and trainers (sneakers) and take them up the highest mountain in England and Wales (Snowdon) without so much as a torch?

If you answered B), I'm truly glad to hear that you didn't all die from hypothermia and would like to know WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING YOU BRAINLESS TWATS!

This is Mount Snowdon.

It is 1,080m (3,560ft) high and on the the day of the climb was icy, with temperatures of -5C and a 35mph windchill of -19C. The climbers, on a day trip from Liverpool, hit up on the genius idea of climbing the mountain dressed in the sort of gear you might wear on a wet afternoon shopping in Warrington, before catching the train back down. But there was a slight problem. Because only the most skilled of mountaineers would even think about climbing Snowdon in this weather (complete with crampons and ice-picks), THE TRAIN WASN'T FUCKING RUNNING! Yes, that's right, the service doesn't run in winter and won't be restarting until next month. You know, WHEN IT'S SAFE! Fortunately, the intrepid explorers met two students who donated clothes to the youngest child, who was in a black bin bag on her Dad's back for warmth. Needless to say, having not been moving, she was nearly dead from cold. Luckily she wasn't injured when Dad fell flat on his face. Eventually, they decided "Hmmm, the little one has now stopped crying - probably not a good sign, looks like we may need a little assistance here." and called Mountain Rescue - before walking another two miles away from the site they had described, just to give the rescue teams a little extra challenge.

Well, they say that God smiles on little children and fuckwit Scousers, and they were rescued in the nick of time, the two-year old now unconcious. Miraculously, they all survived after being warmed up in an unpronounceable local hospital.

In the grand scheme of human twattery, this has got to score a 9.9. It eclipses the German man who phoned the police to report his drug dealer for seling him crap cannibas; pisses on the Indian man who has spent 27 years living in a tree after a family argument; and blows away the efforts of the trainee paramedic, who despite being repeatedly told not to, used a defibrilator on his (then alive) colleague and killed her on the spot. The sad thing is, as tempted as I am to give it a full 10 out of 10 on the Twat-o-meter, I think I need to reserve that hallowed score for the future. Because somebody, somewhere is probably planning an ascent on the North Face of the Eiger, in January, wearing only a leopard-skin thong and flip-flops.




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