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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 56. Mark McGowan.

Mark McGowan is what is known (perhaps euphemistically) as a "performance artist". Hardened cynics might suggest that a "performance artist" is someone with a GCSE in art who isn't very good at drawing - but as you know, I am not a cynic.

Anyways, what is Mr McGowan's contribution to humankind's shared cultural heritage you may ask? He leaves taps on. Yup, that's right. Apparently, leaving a tap running constitutes art these days. Every time you clean your teeth in the morning or have a shave, you too are creating a work of modern art. Apparently.

Of course, as with all art, you need to have a political message and Mr McGowan reckons he's come up with a sure- fire winner. His work will be a protest against private control of UK water supplies. In order to highlight the huge profits of water companies and their wasting of billions of gallons of water, he will be leaving 6 taps running, in undisclosed London locations for a year. In the middle of a prolonged drought that has seen the imposition of water-shortage measures, he will waste a staggering 100 million litres of water. That is 100,000 TONNES of water. Assuming that an Olympic swimming pool is 50 metres long, 20 metres wide and a uniform 2 metres deep, that water could fill 50 of those pools.


The last time the brainless twat tried such a stunt, he wasted 800,000 litres but had to turn the taps off after a month, probably because Thames Water customers visiting his installation kept on turning the taps off themselves. Understandable really, considering that they are currently facing a hosepipe ban and can't even wash their cars.

Needless to say, like many artists McGowan has a vastly inflated sense of his own importance commenting
"I understand we are in a drought. But I am an artist so I'm not actually wasting water for nothing."

Really - yet he can't even show people his installation. They just have to take his word for it. I personally painted a picture of an androgynous model with an ambiguous facial expression last week. It is probably one of the finest paintings ever done, and worthy of a place in Louvre - but I'm a bit shy so you'll just have to believe me.

Mark McGowan - you are a fucking idiot. Get a proper job. If you feel that your destiny lies in being famous for being a talentless twat, apply for Big Brother like everyody else.




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