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Monday, May 29, 2006

Some advice on using the telephone

I have decided, as a public service, to share some tips on using the telephone. I am considering printing them out in 24 point text and issuing them to all customers at the sport centre.

1) In order to aid communication, may I recommend that customers wishing to book a badminton court finish the sandwich they are eating before calling.

2) I find it very hard to accurately understand you if my ears are ringing. Therefore, please hold the telephone handset away from any screaming children. Please.

3) The same goes for barking dogs.

4) I realise that badminton is a team sport and thus you may decide to arrange a court with your drinking buddies. May I recommend however that you exit the nightclub before ringing me and before consuming 8 pints of Stella Artois. On a related note, please don't call me rude names if I politely question the wisdom of reading me your credit card number whilst standing in a crowded bar.

5) Sometimes, if the line is bad or you have a particularly strong regional/foreign accent, I may politely request that you repeat what you just said. Please don't get pissed off at me - would you rather I guessed?

6) If I have asked you to repeat something - try talking slower not faster.

7) Pull-over to the side of the road before ringing. This is especially important if you then try to read me your credit card number.

8) I am not psychic. If your child has received a letter from school, it helps if you
a) Know which sport it concerns
b) Know vaguely what month the letter is referring to
c) Have read it.

9) We like to have a day off too. When the centre shuts for christmas/easter/bank holiday, it's nothing personal. But it may become so if you call me that name again. On a related note, no we won't stay open an extra hour because you were delayed at work.

10) When ringing up to pay for a court, why not have your credit card to hand rather than in the boot of the car parked in the driveway? It's your phone bill obviously, but telling me when you have returned will save us both time and minimise embarrassing silences.



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