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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 62. Drumming buskers

Would it possible, just once, for me to go into town and not be confronted by drumming idiots with stupid grins plastered on their faces? Seriously, I almost miss the drunken Irishman with a penny whistle slumped in front of M&S, trying to play "Oh Danny Boy" whilst surreptitiously swigging Special Brew.

Amazingly, I have yet to see the same drummer twice. Everytime I go in there is somebody else frantically beating a bongo - yet remarkably it is exactly the same beat, and they appear to be wearing the same stoned smile. I'm beginning to wonder if they are all part of some sort of Association for Drumming Twats. Last week they had moved up to the bus stop where I wait for work. The bus was late and I marvelled as the scrawny unkempt man with knee-length blonde dreadlocks maintained exactly the same rythmn for 20 fucking minutes.

It seems that I'm not the only person getting sick and tired of these musical minnows. A few days ago I overheard two police officers politely asking him to move on because he had been playing the same beat since 9 am and the workers in the shop he stood outside wanted to kill themselves.

On the London Underground, it is claimed that in order to get one of the highly coveted (free) busking licenses, buskers have to audition to keep standards up. I don't know if this is true, but I really wish that they would introduce it here. Over the past 12 months, these twats seem to have completely replaced the other, talented, musicians such as the guy with a cowboy hat and electric guitar playing 12-bar blues or the guy with the saxophone accompanying his CD player (he was superb by the way). The relentless thumping has even scared off the string quartet that occassionally plays on a saturday afternoon.

Of course, it might be a ploy by the city council. Sometimes crowds would gather to hear the proper musicians and it could be a bit tricky getting down the highstreet. Now the only crowds are those laughing at the fire and brimstone preachers making up authentic sounding scripture verses as they try and get us to turn to the Lord. Fat Chance. It seems that these drummers can keep the crowds moving even quicker than those blokes in dressed in Yak fur playing the wind pipes who were all the rage a couple of years ago. I haven't seen them for a while, they've probably been deported.

Either way, I implore you - don't give them money it just encourages them and they'll only spend it on new skins. Twats the lot of them.




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