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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 67. The buyers of "Celebrity" Biographies

Browsing my local bookstore a few weeks ago, I was confronted by an unbelievable sign.
"Jade Goody will in store be signing copies of her new autobiography"

Jade Goody... autobiography... signing. What sort of a fucked up world do we live in when those four words can be combined in a sentence without any negatives?

More importantly, who in God's name buys this shit? Recent "auto"biographies such as "Bbeing Jordan" have topped best-seller charts in their first few weeks, whilst still fully priced hardbacks. It's not as if they are being snapped up 2 for £1.99 from County Bookstores reduced bins.

Now let's get something clear rom the off. I don't have anything against Celebrity biographies per se, just "Celebrity" biographies. I can see why people might buy the life-story of George Best or Alex Ferguson. I'm sure that "Sir" Sean Connery's forthcoming biography will probably be a bloody good page turner, depending on it's author ("Sir" Sean is a self-confessed near-illiterate, the odds of him putting pen to paper are about the same as Stephen Hawking winning the Ladies singles at Wimbledon with 2 missing wheels and a flat battery).

But it is beyond me why anyone would want to read the biography of a twenty-something, one-time "Reality TV star", who thinks that East Anglia is abroad and refers to her lady parts as her "kebab". And surely, those who aren't entirely repulsed by Katie "Don't call me Jordan" Price are rather more interested in pictures than words. I'm surprised that "Being Jordan" wasn't a pop-up-book.

It may be mean of me (OK, I admit it is definately mean), but my first thought on hearing that Wayne Rooney might not play in the World cup was "that's fucked his five-book deal then. I wonder if there is an opt-out clause in his contract". Of course, his "heroic fight back fom devastating injury to score the winning goal in a penalty shoot-out against Germany in the Worldcup final"(*) is probably worth a sixth book. Indeed, if you look carefully at the photos of him flying back after his scan, you can see that he is still carrying a packet of crayons, despite having lent his colouring book to Theo Walcott. I wonder what he was writing about?

So, to all of those who buy this tripe. Stop it! You're only encouraging them. It's a waste of trees and ink. And for those of you have stooped so low to buy Jade Goody's autobiograph, shame on you! The Tuesday Twat Award was invented for people like you!

(*) this might be slightly wishfull thinking.




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