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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 79. Christmas Songs.

Now I know that this is going to make me sound like a Scrooge, but if I hear one more re-fucking-imagining of "little donkey" or "When a child is born", I'll go stabby.

I had always felt (based on overseas students' comments) that Britain led the way in toe-curlingly shite christmas music. Not so. Canada has us beat, hands down. Since December the first the "lab DJ" - normally responsible for ensuring a constant stream of classic rock that soothes away our daily stresses - has tuned the radio to a local station playing nothing but christmas music. In order to fill the gaps between adverts, the DJs will play anything that has a festive theme. Anything.

Unfortunately, music companies are such whores that they have absolutely no lower-limit of acceptance for what constitutes something worth listening to and encourage all the stars on their books to murder re-record christmas classics to earn a few extra bucks. Whilst the novelty, made-for-christmas songs can sometimes have their own special charm (The Mexican-themed "Felize navidad - I wanna wish you a merry christmas" was amusing the first 10 times for its sheer exuberance), there is nothing worse than some "diva" warbling her way through silent night. Since they have to try and make the song at least a little distinctive, the "artists" are encouraged to use their imagination. The result is not unsimilar to the first few rounds of X-factor, where 15 year old girls with barely covered acne screech their way through Sugababes hits, cunningly skipping the difficult notes by doing that breathless warbling shit like Beyonce. Simon Cowell might be a contender for the Order of the Tosser, but at least he usually turfs those muppets out (unless they have big boobs of course, then they're straight through to the next round. X-Factor my arse - DD-Factor more like).

I'm sorry, but you are really scraping the barrell when you get someone to re-record "The Drummer Boy". That song is really only for 6 year old alterboys at midnight mass. Then they are cute. Believe me, when they reach 15 it's embarrassing for all concerned (I know this, because I have watched a 6 year old alterboy for the past 10 years, as Father has insisted that he does his party piece each year. Even his Mum looks embarrassed now).

So, much to my amazement I find myself longing for Band Aid or Slade.

I must be more homesick than I realised.

Felizes Navidad!




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