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Saturday, April 14, 2007

Thinking the unspeakable

Apologies for my tardiness of late. I have a new job (I'll blog about that in the future). Fortunately for my ravaged bank balance, but less fortunately for my blog, they have removed overtime limits for the next few weeks, so I have been working 14 hour days to earn as much money for next year as I can. Making hay and all that.

However today I just had to share this with you all.

There are certain things which are always taboo. They are part of the unwritten rules of society, and whilst we can think certain things, we can never, ever, say them out loud.

For example, several of my new colleagues are parents or proud aunts and uncles. Last week, a few of us were chatting over coffee. One of my workmates has two small girls, and had been away for the Easter weekend. After detailing their exploits, she pulled out her mobile phone and showed us some delightfully cute pictures of her beaming kids. Naturally, this sparked a bout of benign one-upmanship with other pictures duly produced. Not wanting to feel left out, I started showing pictures of my gorgeous three year old niece taken on Easter Sunday. Like all modern three-year olds, the moment someone takes their phone out she gets into her cutest and most photogenic pose. I am of course very biased, but I like to think that my pictures got the biggest "Aaahs" of anybody's.

Finally another co-worker's turn. We've heard a lot about her little niece and nephew, whom she clearly dotes on. I saw the pictures first.

Oh dear.

There is no kind way to put this. The kids were ugly. Butt ugly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mocking the afflicted they are clearly healthy, lovely kids. By all accounts, there is nothing wrong with them. They are apparently, bright, happy and popular.

They're just... ugly. A face like a bulldog chewing a thistle covered in piss, as one of my friends might say.

"What a pair of cuties!" I lied, feeling like an absolute shit. Is there something wrong with me? Small children are always cute. That's an inviolable rule.
"They're lovely!" I fibbed passing them on to another guy, who'd been proudly showing off his 5 year-old step daughter. He blinked hard twice, his adams apple bobbing.
"Gorgeous!" he enthused.

Our eyes locked for an instant. Nothing will ever be said. Our traitorous thoughts will never be spoken aloud. But I know the truth.

It isn't just me.



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