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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 65 Morrissey.

Let's face it, there are many reasons to regard Morrissey as a bit of twat, not least his music which is so depressing that the Samaritans regard him as a serious risk factor or the fact that he appears to believe his own hype.

But the main reason is because he is a terrorist sympathiser.

Now, I was as amazed as anyone when he revealed on the Johnathon Ross show that the US authorities had detained him at the airport. My first thought was "WTF? He's about as big a terrorist risk as Cat Stevens!" However, it seems that I had been brainwashed - like so many people - into believing that the term "Terrorist" is synonymous with wild-eyed types wearing TNT waistcoats yelling "Death to the Infidel".

But, there are of course other forms of terrorism, one of the most insidious being Animal Rights Terrorism. And Morrissey is a big fan. This week, he publically endorsed it, again, by telling scientists that "We will get you" - earlier this year, he claimed that violence was the only language that scientists understood. He is also affiliated with PETA, whose charming spokesperson claimed on BBC News some weeks ago that Students at Oxford University were a perfectly legitimate target for protests - regardless of their own position on Animal Testing and the brand new lab being built by their university.

So, perhaps this is why he was detained by the US authorities. The US is starting to suffer from these scum in a way that the UK is and with the ALF busy digging up dead bodies and posting the names of the shareholders of major pharmaceutical firms on the internet, they are probably keen to avoid the Animal Rights issue becoming the next Abortion flashpoint. I suppose that Morrissey should just be glad that Animal Rights Terrorism is more politically correct than Radical Islam - otherwise he may just have found himself sitting in a cell in Guantanamo releasing little puffs of vaseline vapour everytime he farted.

So, I urge you all to hit him where he hurts. His pocket. Don't buy his albums and don't go and see him in concert. Then perhaps he'll fuck off on the bandwagon he rode in on.


Monday, May 29, 2006

Some advice on using the telephone

I have decided, as a public service, to share some tips on using the telephone. I am considering printing them out in 24 point text and issuing them to all customers at the sport centre.

1) In order to aid communication, may I recommend that customers wishing to book a badminton court finish the sandwich they are eating before calling.

2) I find it very hard to accurately understand you if my ears are ringing. Therefore, please hold the telephone handset away from any screaming children. Please.

3) The same goes for barking dogs.

4) I realise that badminton is a team sport and thus you may decide to arrange a court with your drinking buddies. May I recommend however that you exit the nightclub before ringing me and before consuming 8 pints of Stella Artois. On a related note, please don't call me rude names if I politely question the wisdom of reading me your credit card number whilst standing in a crowded bar.

5) Sometimes, if the line is bad or you have a particularly strong regional/foreign accent, I may politely request that you repeat what you just said. Please don't get pissed off at me - would you rather I guessed?

6) If I have asked you to repeat something - try talking slower not faster.

7) Pull-over to the side of the road before ringing. This is especially important if you then try to read me your credit card number.

8) I am not psychic. If your child has received a letter from school, it helps if you
a) Know which sport it concerns
b) Know vaguely what month the letter is referring to
c) Have read it.

9) We like to have a day off too. When the centre shuts for christmas/easter/bank holiday, it's nothing personal. But it may become so if you call me that name again. On a related note, no we won't stay open an extra hour because you were delayed at work.

10) When ringing up to pay for a court, why not have your credit card to hand rather than in the boot of the car parked in the driveway? It's your phone bill obviously, but telling me when you have returned will save us both time and minimise embarrassing silences.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Every little helps...

Even if it means accepting stolen credit cards.

Not content with taking 1 in 8 pounds spent by Britain's shoppers, it seems that grocery giant Tesco are quite happy to accept stolen credit cards without a PIN number - namely my stolen credit card.

Basically, last week I logged on to my online banking to check my finances. Much to my surprise, my credit card, which I haven't used for about 2 months, had a deduction of about £1.85. I opened it, expecting to see some sort of back-dated interest charge, only to find that the charge had gone through the day before in my local branch of Tesco.


Then I remembered an incident the week before. I had just bought a few odds and sods and split a twenty pound note. As I placed the change back into my wallet, I had a sudden case of the clumsies, and fumbled my wallet, spewing cards, stamps and out-of-date "Computer's for Schools" vouchers far and wide. I picked everything up, stuffed it in my button-up coat pocket and left.

Well, it seems that I picked up almost everything. Some other cunt picked up my credit card. And then decided to use it.

Naturally, I got the card cancelled immediately and called the Fraud hot-line. It seems that I was extremely lucky. The thief was probably testing that the card worked, figuring that £1.85 wouldn't be noticed. If they had got my debit card, I might not have, but the usual balance on my credit card is zero. I'm just glad that they didn't hit me with a £3K spending spree.

However, I am extremely pissed. Not least, because Tesco accepted the card without my PIN number.
So I would just like to ask
It is not widely publicised, but when the law changed on Valentine's day, requiring you to use a PIN, stores can still get you to sign the old-fashioned way instead. All that has changed, is that the store now bears the cost of fraudulent transactions rather than the card company unless the PIN is used. I believe that in this case Tesco would rather gamble that 99% of forgotten PINs are just that, and simply cover the costs of the 1% that are fraudulent - thus not risking the loss of sales from irate customers who get to the checkout and can't buy their groceries.

So, as soon as I get my fraud report, I shall be taking it to the store manager and asking him the above question.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Tuesday Twat

No. 64. People who flaunt their criminal records.

Last week, I saw something that I found somewhat shocking. A young woman, wearing a denim skirt up to her armpits, flaunting her electronic ankle tag. When the hell did a criminal record cease being something to be ashamed of?

Am I being old-fashioned? Stuck in my ways? Intolerant?

The thing is, this post was already on my Tuesday Twat to-do list before I saw this particular young woman. A (marginally) more subtle example of this takes the form of "prison tatts". You know, those handmade, biro-blue scribblings on the back of their hands that prisoners entertain themselves with whilst residing at Her Majesty's pleasure. With the exception of the occassional Merchant Navy Seaman, pretty much the only place that these get done is in prison. Until recently, very few legitimate tattoo artists would do the back of the hand because of the danger of sticking the needle into one of the many prominent veins there.

Why on earth would you want to advertise the fact that you have done time like that? Surely, once you are out, you want to put it behind you, not tell the world?

But perhaps that's the point. This is perhaps cynical/paranoid of me, but I have a theory. You see, when people come out of prison and are unemployed, they are entitled to unemployment benefit just like you or I. And just like you or I, they have to attend job interviews to keep receiving benefit. Now the fact is that there are plenty of folks who would much rather receive unemployment benefit than work (a man who drinks with my uncle is quite proud of the fact that at the age of 40+ he has yet to do a single days work). However, if you are offered a job, you need to justify why you haven't taken it. Rightly or wrongly, most employers will run a mile rather than employ an ex-con. However, under the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act, employers cannot enquire about fully served time, except in positions of high responsibility or where child protection issues may arise. So, how can you let an employer know about your murky past without actually telling them? Why not advertise it to the world by tattooing the name of your prison all over your hands?

Perhaps a little far-fetched. But really, it's the only semi-sensible explanation that I can think of.


Thursday, May 18, 2006

Love me don't.

Apparently Paul McCartney is to split from his trophy wife after 4 years. Well done Heather! I'm sure they signed a pre-nup limiting her share of McCartney's half-billion (or so) fortune, but by cleverly geting pregnant first, she's guaranteed herself a steady income for the next 20 years. Go sister, you get a share of those royalties you helped him earn in the sixties!

Apparently, they have been arguing a lot recently. The mainstream press don't say what they were arguing about, but I can exclusively reveal that it all stems back to a rather insensitive birthday present he gave her. Apparently Macca had no idea what to get her, eventually deciding to buy her a plane. And a ladyshave for her other leg.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Dan Brown helps World Peace!

Yes - you read it here first!

It seems that the imminent screening of the Da Vinci Code has helped broker the first steps in the healing process between East and West. It seems that Muslim whack-jobs are unable to face having the limelight stolen by Christian whack-jobs and have promised to violently protest the Da Vinci Code's release - a heart-warming gesture of solidarity excused justified by the fact that Muslims believe that Jesus was a cool guy too!
BBC News

I'm ecstatic I have to say, because only last week I bought shares in an Indian company specialising in the manufacture of extra-flammable US flags. They'll sell loads!

Since Mr Brown has been so successful in opening dialogue between Muslims and Christians, perhaps he should see if he can bridge the divide between Muslims and Jews also? I suspect that it is unlikely that the Chief Rabbinate will protest against the film's depiction of the self-styled "King of the Jews", so I think that the film's makers need to be more creative. May I suggest that the closing theme to the film be "Springtime for Hitler" from Mel Brooke's "The Producers"?

Go on Mr Brown -complete the set! If you succeed in getting Christians, Muslims and Jews to unite in their hatred of you, your place in history will be secure. Just check under the car before you open the door, eh?

Hare Krishna!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 63. The mother of Britain's youngest mother.

It's been all over the papers this story - a twelve year old girl is about to give birth to a child fathered by a fifteen year old when she was only eleven - after a drunken night out. It would be funny if it wasn't so desperately sad.

Quite rightly, the fifteen year old has been charged with statuatory rape, despite it apparently being consensual (in a tragic coincidence an eleven year old raped by a 31 year old has also given birth recently). Needless to say, his defense team will trot out all of the usual excuses "He's emotionally immature for his age", "She's a too-wise for her years little slut" etc etc. But we all know that those excuses will be bullshit. He's fifteen - therefore he shouldn't be fucking eleven year olds. Comprende?

However, what I want to know is why isn't her mother standing next to him in the dock? She claims to be "proud" of her daughter for deciding to keep the baby. But more importantly, she pretty much let her daughter get into this situation. The girl claims to have been smoking up to 20 fags a day since nine (and still hasn't quit) and drinking since ten and conception occured after a drunken night out. You'll all be pleased to hear that she has since stopped drinking.

Regardless of her mother's inevitable protestations to the contrary - she let her daughter do these things. First, where does a nine year old get a fiver a day for 20 cigarettes, without her mum knowing about it? Second, how does a ten year old get pissed without her mum knowing (I found it hard enough to get pissed at seventeen without my parents knowing - thank god for the Boy Scouts!)
There are two possible answers:
1) her Mum did know and didn't give a fuck
2) her mum just didn't give a fuck.

In either case, her mother is pretty much directly responsible for her daughter's predicament. The sooner that woman is banged up and all of her kids removed the better.


Monday, May 15, 2006

Useful, time-saving tip.

If you have to go shopping - why not go during the FA cup final?

I did and there were no queues at all. Splendid!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Cute kid

OK, I admit it. Even a man's man, like me with loads of testosterone and body hair can admit that just occassionally, small kids can be cute.

Overheard on the bus today:
A mother, getting on near the maternity ward of the local hospital dialled someone on her mobile phone, before passing it to her excited little 4 year old boy, who yelled at full volume down the earpiece.

Guess what mummy has in her tummy for me? A little sister!

The comment raised smiles and a few laughs from even the hottest and sweatiest fellow passengers.

I think his mum must work in PR, having successfully sold the fact that he was no longer going to be the centre of attention as something she was doing for him. Give it nine months kid...

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 62. Drumming buskers

Would it possible, just once, for me to go into town and not be confronted by drumming idiots with stupid grins plastered on their faces? Seriously, I almost miss the drunken Irishman with a penny whistle slumped in front of M&S, trying to play "Oh Danny Boy" whilst surreptitiously swigging Special Brew.

Amazingly, I have yet to see the same drummer twice. Everytime I go in there is somebody else frantically beating a bongo - yet remarkably it is exactly the same beat, and they appear to be wearing the same stoned smile. I'm beginning to wonder if they are all part of some sort of Association for Drumming Twats. Last week they had moved up to the bus stop where I wait for work. The bus was late and I marvelled as the scrawny unkempt man with knee-length blonde dreadlocks maintained exactly the same rythmn for 20 fucking minutes.

It seems that I'm not the only person getting sick and tired of these musical minnows. A few days ago I overheard two police officers politely asking him to move on because he had been playing the same beat since 9 am and the workers in the shop he stood outside wanted to kill themselves.

On the London Underground, it is claimed that in order to get one of the highly coveted (free) busking licenses, buskers have to audition to keep standards up. I don't know if this is true, but I really wish that they would introduce it here. Over the past 12 months, these twats seem to have completely replaced the other, talented, musicians such as the guy with a cowboy hat and electric guitar playing 12-bar blues or the guy with the saxophone accompanying his CD player (he was superb by the way). The relentless thumping has even scared off the string quartet that occassionally plays on a saturday afternoon.

Of course, it might be a ploy by the city council. Sometimes crowds would gather to hear the proper musicians and it could be a bit tricky getting down the highstreet. Now the only crowds are those laughing at the fire and brimstone preachers making up authentic sounding scripture verses as they try and get us to turn to the Lord. Fat Chance. It seems that these drummers can keep the crowds moving even quicker than those blokes in dressed in Yak fur playing the wind pipes who were all the rage a couple of years ago. I haven't seen them for a while, they've probably been deported.

Either way, I implore you - don't give them money it just encourages them and they'll only spend it on new skins. Twats the lot of them.


Sunday, May 07, 2006

What where they thinking?

Pepsi Max Cino.

Absolutely foul.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Sartorial advice from SaneScientist

Summer's here and it is time, if I may, to impart a little wisdom.

Ladies, the weather is such that it is customary to wear a top designed to let every one see, in intimate detail, exactly what type of bra you wear. Fine, I'm told that they are expensive pieces of clothing and I understand the need to show the world your latest purchase. For example, I have been proudly showing off the new white sport socks that I purchased at Primark recently by wearing trousers with a 26 inch leg instead of my usual 34 inch.

But there are two points I feel one should consider when wearing such a top.

1) The effect is ruined slightly if you are not actually wearing a bra.

2) Consider bending your knees not your back should you drop your bus pass. This is particularly important if number 1) also applies.

Next week, I shall be discussing the merits of gentlemen wearing underpants when wearing shorts, particularly when sitting with one leg resting on a table. "Undercarriage down. We're coming in to land". I think you get my drift.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Tuesday Twat(s)

No. 61. British Tabloids.

OK, this is long over due. Lets face it, Britain's tabloid newspapers prove their twatishness on a daily basis. Nevertheless, this last week has been a real doozy. Obviously, The Mirror group's handling of the Prescott affair has been particularly bad with The Mirror itself breaking the story and protraying the scarlet woman in question as a a bed-hopping serial home-wrecker, followed immediately by its sister tabloid The Mail on Sunday publishing "her side of the story" - a difficult to believe account of public sex and betrayal (all for the princely sum of £250,000). Hypocrisey anyone?

But the best example was a concerted effort by all of Britain's tabloids to royally fuck-up the appointment of the new England football manager. After diligent work by the tabloids to hound out our best manager in years, Sven Goran-Eriksson, these cretins have now chased away all the best contenders. This week, the man who helped Brazil raise the world cup last time, Luiz Felipe Scolari, turned down the FA's offer to coach the national side. Hardly surprising - after all who in their right mind would manage the English national team when you have to contend with our newspapers?

I think that we can all work out what happened. Some time ago, Scolari will have been approached by the FA and asked if he would be interested. Whilst we may not have the glamour of Brazil, it is still a damn prestigious and respected job (at least amongst your peers). The package will have been generous and I'm sure that he was both tempted and flattered. Then someone leaked the news to the press. And the full reality of just how shitty and cretinous the British media really are will have hit home. For two days Scolari was beseiged by reporters. He estimates that 20 or more were camped permanently outside his house, invading his privacy. During that time, you can bet that no stone was unturned. His friends, family and former colleagues will have been telephoned, doorstepped and harrassed 24/7. Money will have been offered. Dirt will have been sought and if his private life turned out to have been boring, dirt will have been manufactured.

Scolari will have been well aware of the shit that Eriksson put up with during his tenure and seen the way that both he and his predecessors were "sacked by the media" and suddenly, he will have realised "you know what? I don't need ths!". By his own estimate, there are as many as 200 offers on the table. He has his pick of the world's best national and domestic sides. Why the fuck would he want to come to England?

Indeed, who in their right mind would want to coach England? The sad irony is that the English FA is one of the richest in the world. We can probably afford to outbid just about any other offer on the table, and pretty much guarantee to supplement that with at least as much again in promotional and sponsorship deals. We can offer some of the finest training facilities in the world and some excellent players. On paper we are one of the most attractive national sides in the world. With one massive exception - our media.

But then, I think it is quite easy to see why they are so bad. There is comparatively little profit in us winning the world cup. There are only so many column inches that sports hacks can write about us winning. There are only so many extra commemorative copies of the Sun or the Mirror that will be sold if we actually won. But there will be weeks of handwringing and analysis if we get knocked out pitifully early. Pages will be dedicated to "should he stay or should he go" opinion pieces about the Manager. Stories of dubious veracity about the Manager's sex life will be shoved on the frontpage to boost sales during slow news days.

I'll bet that deep down, in their heart of hearts, tabloid editors are praying for England to lose. And they'll do everything in their power to make that a reality. Fucking Twats.




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